Grief in 2016

Wow, I can’t believe it’s December 21st already! Where did the fucking year go? And why was it such a shitshow??

Some interesting things have happened in our lives this year, too. My husband Jim is transgender and would like to be called Danifae, and she uses female pronouns now. She came out to me a while ago, and I was delighted. More on that later.

My mom ended up staying with us for a few months. It was actually a pretty positive experience overall; we had many long talks alone together that have helped me heal. I really like the person my mom has become, and I never in a million years thought I’d ever live with her again. But the truth is I am just too traumatized to ever share my living space with anyone but Danifae. I lack the emotional capacity to do so in a healthy manner. More on that later, too.

We also battled the county of Wabasha in several appeals, and lost the latest one. Our income will be reduced drastically. We’ll cope and adjust.

The weirdest thing about 2016 is my grief. My crying jags are fewer and far between, yet can still bring me to my knees. I hardly write in this blog anymore, and I don’t really use support groups much. I have given away most of the baby stuff too. I kept a few boxes, mostly blankets and clothing. Grace’s room now resembles a storage locker more than anything.

I feel like I don’t talk about or even express my grief as much as I used to. I like to talk to Danifae about it, because she’s the only other person in the world that understands my pain. She’s the only one who was there, who witnessed me almost die. We both think of Grace every single day. There is a hole in us, and that is where she existed. Or exists…

It doesn’t bother me anymore to see babies on TV ( or in real life for that matter) or hear them cry. I can even handle scenes of baby or child loss in movies and on TV.

Who is this new me? Where did she come from?

Stay tuned…

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