a life with no living children

It’s been a long time since I posted anything. That’s because we’ve been dealing with some stuff over the summer.

I’ve had trouble with insomnia for the last 3 or 4 months-I didn’t stop sleeping, but I would only sleep for 3-4 hours a night. It was affecting my life pretty badly-I had daily headaches, I couldn’t concentrate, and it made my chronic pain intensify. I even had my doctor prescribe Ambien, but it didn’t help much.

Recently I bought a bunch of new pillows for our bed, and that seemed to do the trick. I’ve been sleeping much better lately-I guess I just needed the right support for my body. Hopefully the weather will stay cooler now that it’s fall. I always sleep great when it’s nice and cool out.

We’ve had some drama in our family recently, that was really stressing me out for a while. All I have to say about that is: religion can be very dangerous!

Our health issues seem to be getting worse over time. Jim is in so much pain, and no one will treat his pain because his medical record has false diagnoses that we cannot seem to get removed. I busted my butt all summer, eating better, swimming at the pool and doing yoga. I didn’t lose any weight, and I am tired of the body shaming that people of my size experience. I just want to love and accept myself the way I am!

I’m about to start a new round of physical therapy, and I’m going to a fibromyalgia clinic as well. I still cannot find anyone who will operate on my left knee. I am too young and too fat.

You may or may not know that Jim and I have been trying to conceive a rainbow baby since my birthday, about 4 months now.

We have been trying to look at becoming parents to a living child from all sides, realistically. We’ve been asking ourselves if we really have the stamina, the income, the wherewithal, the “stuff” that it takes to care for a baby. We’ve been asking if it’s truly what we want. More importantly, could my body handle a pregnancy now that I’m sick?

The answer is yes, in a perfect world, we’d love to have another child. But the reality is, we are too sick, too poor,too worn down and scared to put my body and our hearts through another pregnancy. There’s no guarantee that we’d get a baby at the end, and honestly, I don’t know if we could survive losing a third child.

So it is with heavy hearts that we tell the world we are choosing a life with no living children. But it’s a fucked up choice that no one should have to make. This is the hardest decision we’ve dealt with since we’ve been married, because we have so much love to give, and because we have such an emptiness inside since we lost Grace. If we were able to use a surrogate, that would be our dream. But we are disabled, and our income is rather limited. The truth is, even though Grace is gone and we’d trade this life for a life with her in a heartbeat, we like sleeping all day if we want. We like being able to do what we want, when we want. We like the freedom of our child-free existence. And it is critical on days when we can’t get out of bed because it hurts too much or we have to cancel appointments because it’s too difficult to go out.

So why do I feel guilty?

It’s a mother’s guilt. I feel like I am somehow letting Grace and Jamison down by not giving them any more siblings.

Another thing is, I always intended to continue my blog on through to mothering a rainbow baby. Now that we aren’t having another baby, should I shut it down? Would you be interested in reading it even if I don’t have more kids? What topics or issues would you want me to write about? Let me know!!

One last thing: I am so excited about finally getting a Molly Bear! Molly Bears is an organization that will create a teddy bear in your child’s memory. They personalize them for you, and they even weigh what you’re baby weighed. So you have something to hold…I never held Grace. I’m on the waiting list, so it will be 4 to 6 months before they can make our bear. I can’t wait. Here’s a link for Molly Bears : http://mollybears.com/







One thought on “a life with no living children

  1. So very sorry to hear of your losses. I am glad you are finding healing. I have asked myself the same questions at one time or another. It is so hard when there aren’t any direct answers and educated guesses are the best we can get. We’ve gotten licensed to adopt and hope to build our family that way. I hope your molly bear brings you comfort. Love & Prayers to you. Love, Catherine

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