unapologetic bitch

Recently in my recovery journey since Grace died, I have been reaching out to people from my past that I love and want to make amends with.

Some of them are friends and some are family, but the main theme is, I cut them out (for whatever reason at the time) and am now extending an olive branch of kindness and friendship.

For example, I contacted my ex bff/gf-we haven’t spoken in a long time. I held a grudge for, like, over 10 years. My heart still ached like it was yesterday.

In the past 2 and 1/2 years I have spent a lot of time avoiding memories and places in my mind. It had become a scary place, not only because of Grace’s death, but also past PTSD, and I just couldn’t hang out there any more.

Jim has been working on mindfulness and being present in the moment. He shares his ideas and tools with me, and together we are directing our lives into vibrant positivity (as much as we can with all our health issues and such)

Anyway, something was telling me to reach out to my ex, so I did. I was honest, true to myself, and guess what? She responded in kindness and love. And now I have my best friend back!!!

Now I can look at my past, shine lights in the dark corners and face the monsters. Now I can ask a witness if something really did happen or if my family is lying by saying I “invent memories”. It’s fucking glorious!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what else? I have never been more sure in my life of who I am and what I stand for! I found myself again, in my friend and in my love for her.

best

Now I want to tell you what those things are:
I am loyal, trustworthy, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. Once I love someone, I never stop, no matter how much they shit on me.  I am bisexual. I am a socialist and an atheist. I love to sing, dance, write and read. I am sentimental and have scrapbooks going all the way back to childhood. I am fearless. I might forgive, but I never forget. If you burn me, you will get burned back.

I’m going to take a page from Madonna and tell you that losing Grace has made me an unapologetic bitch. I don’t have time for high school games or drama. Life is short, at least this mortal one is, and I want to spend mine with people who genuinely love me and have my best interests at heart. And more importantly, want nothing but my loyal friendship in return. If you aren’t with me, you’re against me. There is no in between.

Here’s where shit gets real: one of the people I reached out to is a sibling (I use that term loosely) and, as per usual, I wore my heart on my sleeve. And I got burned.

burn

Jim is absolutely disgusted with this person, who has repeatedly used my love as a weapon against me.

I have been toying with the idea of a book about my life/family for years now.

That seems kind of daunting at the moment, considering how much more active I am now that it’s summer. So I’m going to write a series of blog posts about the history of my relationship with this person-honestly and fearlessly!

I have nothing to lose, it’s going to be so cathartic, stay tuned if you like! I promise you it will be real, and as always, thank you for reading. 🙂

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