still mothers

What’s it like to be a mother with no living children? It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Just imagine what it would feel like to wake up every day, get out of bed, and become a  functioning member of society. Without your children.

My hubby Jim and I have struggled a lot. We lost his maternal grandmother just days before becoming pregnant with Grace. She was his best friend. Then we lost Grace to stillbirth on December 30th, 2012. She died from a placental abruption, with no known cause, at 41 weeks gestation. It was my second pregnancy. The pregnancy was fine overall, and there was nothing physically wrong with me or Grace. In the summer of 2013, we lost Jim’s paternal grandmother. In April of 2014, we finally got pregnant again. It was very early; I hadn’t even taken a test yet. I miscarried that baby, whom we named Jamison. Finally, last year, on March 18th, my dad passed away gently from a brain tumor.

So we have experienced an excruciating amount of loss in a small time frame.

Jim is my best friend, and we have been together for 4 years. We’ll be celebrating our 3 year anniversary this August. We are soul mates. We have the same brain. We literally finish each others’ sentences, sing the same songs simultaneously, and anticipate each others needs.

There is no way on earth that I could’ve made it this far without him. He’s my rock. I can lean on him and I know he isn’t going anywhere. This is my Twilight love.

We are part of a big family, on both sides. We have a lot of nieces and nephews. We live in the same town as most of Jim’s immediate family. We don’t want to stay here forever; we would like to move to Washington. I’m from Minnesota originally, but my family and I lived in Nevada for 12 years. We love rain and socialism. Plus I have a lot of friends on the west coast. Including one very special person. 🙂

Jim’s sister Lisa has 5 kids with one on the way. Her current youngest, Daniel, was due just four months after Grace. She did not visit us in the hospital; she told me recently that she couldn’t.

The majority of Jim’s family are Catholic. I have never believed in god, but at times I have pretended to. I am 100% anti-religion. So you can imagine the struggles I face, being part of our family.

One of my sisters has 2 boys and a girl on the way. Our relationship is strained, but I am trying to change that.

Jim’s family has been incredibly supportive since day 1. My family, on the other hand, seems to struggle with figuring out how to navigate our losses. I gave my mom some tips and that helped a little.

Grace’s birth was violent. The whole experience could have come straight from a horror film. You can find the posts we wrote about it on my blog in the March 2013 section.

I consulted with a law firm for about 6 months back in 2013. The Mayo Clinic claims that they don’t have a very important piece of evidence. The law firm recommended I get a second opinion from someone else. Jim and I were unsure if that was something we even wanted to do back then.

I am about to contact a new firm. I got a name from another babyloss mom-sounds like they might be able to help me. Please send good vibes our way!

Jim and I are both disabled, and we live pretty lean. Thank goodness for the county and Jim’s folks for their help. I need a new knee. I’m not sure I will get it though-they tend to need replacing every 10-12 years. I was told that they don’t like to do the surgery on someone my age. (I turned 35 today)

I am currently concentrating on improving our health. Jim is diabetic, and I want to head in a holistic direction. My goals for summer are: yoga 5x a week, swimming 3x a week, eating better, and getting Jim off of his diabetic meds.

Do we want more children? Of course we do! When the timing is right, we will get pregnant. We are so blessed in many ways. We have no problems conceiving or carrying babies to full term. Money is the biggest thing holding us back.

I try to stay in tune with my mind, body and spirit. I recently re-discovered that I am a powerful diviner.

We miss our children every day. At times we struggle; other times, we feel grateful for having each other.

Grace’s room is filled with all of her things. I like to go in there every day and think about her.

We have a doll that we have used as a therapeutic tool. We dressed her, we hold her, and it helps us immensely.

We have gone to Compassionate Friends’ meetings off and on since Grace died. We haven’t been able to find a local group that focuses on stillbirth.

In closing, I just want to say, I was suffering from writer’s block for a long time. That is over now, and I have found my passion for writing again! Stay tuned for more posts. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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