I go back to December all the time

It’s almost Christmas. Today was Grace’s original due date.  She was breech for like 4 months, and so my doctor  scheduled a c section for December 18th. About  a week later she miraculously turned on her own. So the plan was to let her come in her own time. Christmas came and we went to triage late that night. I was in early labor and they sent me home. The next day was the non stress test and I was dilated 1 cm.  I was overdue, but they wanted to wait until the 31st to induce me. She was alive and kicking me so hard I was in so much pain. I contracted all that night, and they were making me cry, getting stronger but too far apart. We went back to triage late on the 27th because I was in so much fucking pain and I felt like something was wrong. I begged them to induce me! I had been taking some painkillers for the horrible carpal tunnel I had, Vicodin, but it didn’t work very well. The triage doctor was such a dick and treated me like a drug seeking addict. He sent us home and told me to expect some bleeding, and not to come back unless I soaked more than one pad per hour or my contractions were 4-5 min apart. So when I started bleeding on the 28th, I did not want to go back just to be told to go home again. That morning was the last time I ever felt Grace move. On the 29th I realized I hadn’t felt her move in like a day, so we went in. Two techs gave us a sonogram, searching and searching for her heartbeat, but I knew. I knew she was gone, just like I had known all throughout my pregnancy that she would die. I have a sixth sense and sometimes it helps me but mostly it just proves my weird “bad feelings”, deja vu, and dreams were correctly predicting the future.

Anyway, you can read all about her birth story in an older post if you wish.

We are re-living all of this stuff and it is very painful. Yesterday we played with our nephew Daniel, just the 3 of us cuddling and laughing. It was wonderful, yet such a slap- in- the- face reminder of what we lost. Of who will be missing this Christmas. The first Christmas without Grace.

But the worst is still yet to come. The last 4 days of the year. Her death date, her birth date, then New Year’s Eve. We spent New Year’s Eve in the hospital, alone, grieving our baby girl.

If we can survive the rest of this year, then we can survive anything.

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