It seems I have failed at keeping my head above water.
Last Friday I got into my first real fight with my mother in law. It was crazy and painful. Then I came home to a missed call from my sister with no voice mail. I was curious, so I called back. She said ” I wanted you to hear it from me first, I’m pregnant.” I congratulated her and said all the right things. Then she had to go. I knew it was possible because I saw her a week ago and she said she “wasn’t trying, but she wasn’t not not trying” to get pregnant. This will be her third baby.
At this point I lost my shit. I threw my resilient cellphone across the room ( I have seriously dropped it like a 100 times and it never breaks) and I flipped the fuck out. I literally feel like she did this just to stab me in my heart. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but that is how I feel. She knows we have been trying since mid November. I had also just spent the last 30 days or so taking care of Jim while he weaned himself off of an awful psych drug. He had just came out of a psychotic episode right before this happened.
At that moment I made the decision to admit myself to the hospital. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I bathed, shaved, did my dishes, and a bunch of other stuff. I packed a bag and went to the ER. I said I was having some self harm ideas and didn’t trust myself at home. Jim was there with me the whole time until they took me to the unit for crazy people, or whatever they call it.
I was in there voluntarily from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon. It was like a weird vacation from my life or something. I’ve been to a psych ward before, but that was under a 72 hour suicide watch. This was more like me having them babysit me. They couldn’t keep me there against my will. The doctor wanted me to stay until Monday but I had such a hard time being apart from Jim. My inlaws, Jim and Laura came to see me on Saturday and it was hard to say goodbye to him. That was our first night apart since before we were married.
They told me there aren’t any stillbirth support groups in my area, and the soonest I can see a shrink is mid January.
I ask myself what has changed? I made a “crisis plan” like they asked. I am trying to count my blessings. I have Jim, and we are trying like crazy to get pregnant. Christmas is almost here and I love the holidays.
I’m not going to kill myself, but sometimes the feeling comes over me and I want to be with Grace so bad.
I just hope I can survive her birthday.