thanksgiving 2013

We spent Thanksgiving with my family this year just like we did last year. My dad is dying from brain cancer so I want to spend as much time with him as I can.

We went to my moms. Both of my siblings were there with their significant others and kids. My cousin just had a baby like a week ago. She brought her baby over to my moms the day before Thanksgiving because she didn’t want to upset me. My mom called me that night and asked me how we felt about it. I said we would be delighted to see her and her baby. We haven’t seen her since our wedding day I think. Anyway my mom said she would call my cousin and invite her over. She never did. And then everyone sat around talking about her and her birth story. It was very uncomfortable for me and I just wanted to leave.  I sat there staring at my nephew wondering how different it would’ve been if Grace was there. Not one person mentioned Grace. I hid in the kitchen and did the dishes. Everyone was nice and got along, but I really just hated it.

Now that I’m home and it’s been almost a week, I just feel like, once again my family has slapped me in the face. It was incredibly painful for me to have to listen to my cousin’s wonderful birth story, because at the end of it, she got to take her baby home! How can these people be so fucking insensitive?? Why do they always know just what to do to upset me, no matter the circumstances?

I’m starting to wonder if I should just avoid them for Christmas. We stay home for that holiday and celebrate with Jim’s family, but we visit my family beforehand.

It’s like night and day with our families. Jim’s family talks about Grace daily; my family thinks it’s best not to talk about her. Which is probably why I told my family not to come when I had her. I knew my mother would make it even harder for me, or worse,  make it all about her.

I knew this time of year would be hard; we’re getting closer and closer to her birthday. There’s a lot about her birth that my memory has blocked out. I’ve been having flashbacks. I can feel myself slipping into depression again. I’m trying to keep my head above the water but some days it is so hard.


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