capture your grief 2013

I participated in the Capture Your Grief project. Each day of October is a word and we post pictures to go along with the topic. I didn’t post every day but I did do most days.I copy and pasted them here but some of the photos aren’t showing up. Here are all of my posts:
Day 2: Identity. This is a retouched photo of my daughter Grace Elizabeth Neau, our firstborn. She was stillborn on December 30, 2012 at 41 weeks gestation, 9lbs. 6oz. She died from a placental abruption with no known cause. We didn’t know how big she was and because of her size the delivery was very difficult. I never held her but I did touch her feet and hold her hand.I took a lot of photos. I had her cremated and I am so glad I did because if we ever move she will move with us. I kissed her goodbye when they took her away and whispered “I love you”. I will never forget how she felt moving inside of me & the way she responded to her daddy’s voice. She also loved music.
Day 2: Identity. This is a retouched photo of my daughter Grace Elizabeth Neau, our firstborn. She was stillborn on December 30, 2012 at 41 weeks gestation, 9lbs. 6oz. She died from a placental abruption with no known cause. We didn't know how big she was and because of her size the delivery was very difficult. I never held her but I did touch her feet and hold her hand.I took a lot of photos. I had her cremated and I am so glad I did because if we ever move she will move with us. I kissed her goodbye when they took her away and whispered "I love you". I will never forget how she felt moving inside of me & the way she responded to her daddy's voice. She also loved music.
Day 3: Myths
“You’re young; you can always have more” I’m 33, so I guess that’s kind of young. But no matter how many living children I have, none of them can replace Grace.
Day 3: Myths<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
"You're young; you can always have more" I'm 33, so I guess that's kind of young. But no matter how many living children I have, none of them can replace Grace.
Day 4: Legacy. Grace was conceived within days of my husband Jim’s grandma dying. Her name was Elizabeth but everyone called her Betty. Jim and Betty were best friends so that’s why Grace’s middle name is Elizabeth. She brought our families closer together. She made us parents. She has shown us who is worth our time and who isn’t.
Day 5: Memory. I will never forget how much Grace hated sonograms! she always turned so her back was facing the technician. She was most active at night and she loved spicy food.
Day 5: Memory. I will never forget how much Grace hated sonograms! she always turned so her back was facing the technician. She was most active at night and she loved spicy food.
Day 6 : rituals. Grace was born on a Sunday, so every Sunday I light a candle in her room and let it burn all night. Anytime we’re away from home overnight, I bring her urn with us.
Day 8: Color. definitely purple and pink. these are just a few of her things that we had ready for her.

Day 8: Color. definitely purple and pink. these are just a few of her things that we had ready for her.

Day 9: Music. Grace loved Florence + the Machine, Kreayshawn, and No Doubt. really anything we listened to regularly. I couldn’t listen to Florence + the Machine for a long time after she died. We listen to a lot of music in our home. I find comfort in this Lenny Kravitz song, I’m a big fan of Lenny:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lbzi9OjHHp4
Lenny Kravitz ~ Calling All Angels 【HD】
Day 10: Beliefs. I was never a religious person but I did believe in god. Until Grace died. I see all these horrible things done “in the name of God”. I see people being brainwashed by their religion. If there is a god why does he let precious little babies die? he doesn’t…because he isn’t real.

Day 10: Beliefs. I was never a religious person but I did believe in god. Until Grace died. I see all these horrible things done "in the name of God". I see people being brainwashed by their religion. If there is a god why does he let precious little babies die? he doesn't...because he isn't real.

Day 11: Triggers. what isn’t a trigger? the baby isle at any store. Pregnant women. Babies. Seeing Grace’s things all piled up in the crib. It seems like everyone I know is pregnant right now or just had a baby. I guess the biggest trigger for me is our nephew Daniel, he’s about 6 months old now. I thought Grace and Daniel would be best friends since they are the same age. Every time I go home after holding him, it hurts so bad. Photo is of my hubby Jim and Daniel when he was born.

Day 11: Triggers. what isn't a trigger? the baby isle at any store. Pregnant women. Babies. Seeing Grace's things all piled up in the crib. It seems like everyone I know is pregnant right now or just had a baby. I guess the biggest trigger for me is our nephew Daniel, he's about 6 months old now. I thought Grace and Daniel would be best friends since they are the same age. Every time I go home after holding him, it hurts so bad. Photo is of my hubby Jim and Daniel when he was born.

Day 13: Books. I liked “Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: surviving the death of your baby”, “They were still born: personal stories about stillbirth” and “An exact replica of a figment of my imagination”. I love reading so I read any books about grief I could get my hands on.

Day 13: Books. I liked "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: surviving the death of your baby", "They were still born: personal stories about stillbirth" and "An exact replica of a figment of my imagination". I love reading so I read any books about grief I could get my hands on.

Day 15: Wave of light. Tonight we were over at my inlaws place and I lit a candle for Grace at 7. then I showed everyone the memorial movie Kayla made for me.

Day 15: Wave of light. Tonight we were over at my inlaws place and I lit a candle for Grace at 7. then I showed everyone the memorial movie Kayla made for me.

Day 16: Seasons
It’s fall, my absolute favorite season! I love the colors of the leaves as they change, the cooler nights, making apple crisp, chilis, and stews. I love horror movies and so does my hubby so we watch one per day during October. Christmas is my favorite holiday, and I love the snowstorms that come in the winter. Not sure how it will be this year as we lost Grace right after Christmas.
Day 17: Time
It’s been almost 10 months since Grace died. Both Jim and I are finally starting to feel like our grief isn’t going to kill us. We find solace in each other. We have decided to wait another year to see how we feel about trying to get pregnant again.

Day 17: Time<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
It's been almost 10 months since Grace died. Both Jim and I are finally starting to feel like our grief isn't going to kill us. We find solace in each other. We have decided to wait another year to see how we feel about trying to get pregnant again.

Day 18: Release
I wish I could release the feeling of failure. Of feeling like I failed as a mother, or that my body failed. Wishing I could go back in time and save her somehow. Or the anger I feel towards the doctors who didn’t listen to me when I said something was wrong and they sent me home. I find that crying helps me feel like I can release some of my emotions, if only just a little bit.
Day 19: Support
I have a lot of really supportive people in my family. My husband Jim and I support each other of course. His parents and siblings live near by and they are great-they are always willing to talk about Grace and include her. My family lives 100 miles away-we don’t talk as often as I like. We joined our local Compassionate Friends support group. Not to mention the 20 something awesome friends I have made in this community! Thank goodness for Heather Thompson, she was the first BLM to reach out to me online and I discovered there were a million of women out there just like me.
There’s no way I would have made it this far in my grief without all these wonderful people. I used to cry 24/7 and think about self harm; now I’m off all psychiatric medication. I’m eating better, exercising, and starting to lose weight. I miss Grace every single day, but I no longer feel as though I’m going to die without her.

Day 19: Support<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
I have a lot of really supportive people in my family. My husband Jim and I support each other of course. His parents and siblings live near by and they are great-they are always willing to talk about Grace and include her. My family lives 100 miles away-we don't talk as often as I like. We joined our local Compassionate Friends support group. Not to mention the 20 something awesome friends I have made in this community! Thank goodness for  Heather Thompson, she was the first BLM to reach out to me online and I discovered there were a million of women out there just like me.</p><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
<p>There's no way I would have made it this far in my grief without all these wonderful people. I used to cry 24/7 and think about self harm; now I'm off all psychiatric medication. I'm eating better, exercising, and starting to lose weight. I miss Grace every single day, but I no longer feel as though I'm going to die without her.

Day 23: Tattoos
I knew right away after Grace died that I would get a tattoo in her memory. The hospital gave us a bunch of copies of her footprints; I chose the best one and put it in a ziploc bag. I searched tons of images of memorial tattoos online. I finally decided to shape her feet into a butterfly design, because her bedroom theme was butterflies. It is on the right side of my chest, above my breast. I put it right where her head would rest every day if she was here.
Getting this tattoo brought me to a new chapter in my grief: acceptance. I finally have accepted that she is gone, and now I carry her with me every where I go.
Day 27: Signs.
When I see butterflies I know it’s a sign from Grace. I’ve only seen two; I saw one at the pool one day . The light outside my apartment building only works at random times, it flickers on and off at night-when it flickers it’s a sign Grace can hear me talking to her out there.

Day 27: Signs.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
When I see butterflies I know it's a sign from Grace. I've only seen two; I saw one at the pool one day . The light outside my apartment building only works at random times, it flickers on and off at night-when it flickers it's a sign Grace can hear me talking to her out there.

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