one day at a time

Sorry I haven’ t posted in a while. I’ve been feeling really good ever since I switched from Zoloft to Wellbutrin. I haven’t  been smoking either; apparently it is prescribed to help people quit smoking too. It’s been about 2 and half weeks but I feel worlds away from where I was.

I think I have finally accepted Grace’s death for the first time. She died and there is nothing Jim and I can do; we can’t go back in time and save her, no matter how badly we want to. I can look at babies again and not feel completely jealous and simultaneously devastated.

Becoming a parent makes you softer. I am a huge fan of horror movies, but I am finding the really disturbing ones to be hard for me to stomach at times. I think people who have been abused and had rough childhoods tend to like horror more than someone who received proper attention and praise from their parents.

Last time we went to the cities to see my family my mom was too busy and missed us completely. I continuously expect her to give me what I need and she almost always lets me down. It’s sad and I need help learning to accept her the way she is and that she isn’t going to change. She does have a lot going on right now, though, and said she would visit us in August.

Oh yeah, that great therapist I saw that helped me in our first session? She left that job for a different one! Now I have to start all over again with someone new. At least I hadn’t been seeing her long; we only had that one meeting.

I’m not taking any anti anxiety meds any more. They don’t want me on anything addictive for too long because I am an alcoholic. I haven’t had a panic attack in at least 2 weeks now.

I finally feel truly hopeful for the future since before Grace died. I decided to give myself however long it takes to feel ready to get pregnant again. Plenty of women have babies after 35.

I’ve been doing very basic yoga every day and swimming 3x a week. I really wanna get as fit as I can.

I still take things one day at a time.


2 thoughts on “one day at a time

  1. “I think people who have been abused and had rough childhoods tend to like horror more than someone who received proper attention and praise from their parents.”

    That’s an interesting idea. Very interesting. I will think on that one.

    I’m glad you’re in a good place right now. One day at a time, one moment at a time, is all anyone can do.

    I had my baby boy when I was 35. If I’m lucky enough to have another I’ll be at least 37. I never thought I’d be an “older” mother, but it is what it is. I never thought a lot of things.

  2. I started taking wellbutrin after I lost my daughter as well. I feel it has helped me. I hated the thought of having to take a medication to cope. I was scared it would make me not feel anything at all. But I can say it really is a blessing

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