six months

Six months ago we heard those four words no expecting parent wants to hear: “there is no heartbeat”.

Six months ago we endured the most horrific experience of our lives.

Six months ago Jim had to watch me bleed, scream, cry and curse in a rage at the doctors as they kept telling me to push while they attempted to pull with forceps.

Six months ago I had to be cut two different ways, and put under, because they did not know how large she was.

He paced the room, not knowing if I would live through the birth of our dead daughter. My blood was everywhere.

Finally, someone came to him and said Grace was born, and asked him if he wanted to see her.

He is the only one who saw her fresh from my womb, the only one who held her warm body.

He held our only daughter, and wailed a sound no human should ever make.

He saw her mangled body, one arm broken, her face freshly skinned from the forceps.

Six months ago we were different people. Happy, in love, just married for 4 months. We were on top of the world.

Now I am so crippled with depression, anxiety, and PTSD that some days I can’t even leave our apartment.

I have tried hurting myself on more than one occasion.

I still have no clue as to how I am supposed to live without my beautiful Grace.

She would’ve been six months old yesterday.

 

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4 thoughts on “six months

  1. I carried a baby to 4 months, when we found out there was no heart beat. The Dr had me scheduled for more tests on Monday. It was Mothers day weekend. I miscarried in the public restroom of the ER because the ER staff wouldn’t do as I said and call my DR over. She was in labor & delivery waiting on a baby to come and knew I was on my way and was miscarrying. I lost the baby the day before mothers day. I do not like to celebrate mothers day, I do it only for my child that I have. We keep it low key though. I suffer from depression, anxiety & panic attacks. That just made it worse. That was actually my second miscarriage. I wanted my tubes tied after it but the Dr refused due to my mental state.
    Do what you need to do to get better. Don’t let anyone add to your struggle. I just started writing on her to help myself work threw issues from many years. I hope this helps me. Find your “thing”, you will, it will just take time. It’s been 11 years for me since my last miscarriage, I still teared up writing this to you. It will get better though. I truly understand your pain.

  2. Oh my god, the pain must be horrendous for you. I’ve got no words of comfort, but I’m sitting with you in your agony. I’m so sorry for your loss. No one should ever have to go through that.

  3. Oh Sara. I knew Grace’s birth had been difficult and physically traumatic for you and she. I did not realise poor Grace’s arm had been broken too. It hurts my heart to know this, and I know this is only a minute fraction of the pain you are in. I wish it was different for you, Jim, and beautiful Grace, and that our babies sharing a birth date was a completely joyous occasion.

    1. yes, it was like something out of a horror movie. I had a third degree perineal laceration as well as a right mediolateral episiotomy. She was so big and my birth canal was so small they tried rotating her shoulders several times before breaking her arm to get her out. They wanted to avoid a c-section. The forceps bruised and skinned her face, Jim said her face looked like it was cut with razors. All the scars you see in her pics are from her wounds, that’s why I was so afraid to see her. I too wish our babies birth date was a joyous occasion.

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