Six months ago we heard those four words no expecting parent wants to hear: “there is no heartbeat”.
Six months ago we endured the most horrific experience of our lives.
Six months ago Jim had to watch me bleed, scream, cry and curse in a rage at the doctors as they kept telling me to push while they attempted to pull with forceps.
Six months ago I had to be cut two different ways, and put under, because they did not know how large she was.
He paced the room, not knowing if I would live through the birth of our dead daughter. My blood was everywhere.
Finally, someone came to him and said Grace was born, and asked him if he wanted to see her.
He is the only one who saw her fresh from my womb, the only one who held her warm body.
He held our only daughter, and wailed a sound no human should ever make.
He saw her mangled body, one arm broken, her face freshly skinned from the forceps.
Six months ago we were different people. Happy, in love, just married for 4 months. We were on top of the world.
Now I am so crippled with depression, anxiety, and PTSD that some days I can’t even leave our apartment.
I have tried hurting myself on more than one occasion.
I still have no clue as to how I am supposed to live without my beautiful Grace.
She would’ve been six months old yesterday.