jim and her urn

Jim has been in bed for a while now trying to fall asleep. He was up all night cause of his weird sleeping condition. He needs to switch his cycle around so he can be awake during the day. Especially since his birthday is Monday and we have big plans! He’s turning 30.

When he’s been up as long as he has (like 24 hours), it takes him a really long time to fall asleep. I like to cuddle with him before he falls asleep. We always make sure we get that cuddle time in, especially when we are on opposite sleeping schedules.

I thought for sure he was asleep cause it had been like an hour since I checked on him.

I went in there and was surprised to see him still awake. I noticed he had something in his hand so I asked what it was.

He was holding Grace’s urn. He was cuddling her. I asked him if he was okay and he said” yeah I just really miss her”.

I’ve never seen him take her urn out before. It broke my heart to see him cuddle that heart shaped box instead of our beautiful daughter.

Sometimes I sit in her room and smell her blankets and towels and sleepers. They don’t smell like her; they smell like lavender, my favorite laundry scent.

Touching her things is a reminder that she was real. She existed.

She’s not here and never will be. We live that nightmare every day.

These are the things that made her real, however brief her life.

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4 thoughts on “jim and her urn

  1. I thought i was the only one that sat and smelled my childs belongings. I have all of my son’s belongings in a zip-loc baggie so they dont lose his smell. i sometimes go in his room and get them out to smell. I sometimes get his teddy bear from the hospital and wrap it in his blanket and hold him. Its as close as i can get to him at the moment…

  2. I know this feeling all too well. Clara’s urn and the things that remind us of her are on a shelf in our bedroom. David will often stop on his way out the door and just rest his hand gently on her urn, or on the ceramic mold of her hand prints. It’s the closest we can get to her now.

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