another episode

I had another “episode” on Saturday. It was pretty bad. I punched myself in the belly/uterus very hard several times, and slammed my head into the wall. It left a nice lump on my forehead.

I went for a walk after, and Jim followed behind me because he was afraid I would do something crazy. I walk much faster than him, and soon enough I lost sight of him. My anxiety went into overdrive and I started to really panic. We have honestly never really been separated for more than a few hours since we got married, and I was in a fragile state of mind. I turned around and headed back. I was so distraught and at first I couldn’t find our street. (so silly, we live in such a small town) By the time I made it back to Jim I was hysterical. We went inside and it took a long time but I finally calmed down.

It’s like I become possessed or something. When I do these things I feel like I have no control; like I have 2 personalities . I have never in my life behaved this way. I’ve never been a cutter or anything like that. Yes I have struggled with weight but I usually maintain a healthy body image. I think I have this subconscious thought that it’s my fault Grace died; like my body failed. So I want to punish it or something? I don’t know…

Jim and I had a long talk and he said he thought I might be experiencing medication withdrawal. He said he had gone through it himself and that it can be similar to heroin withdrawal. So I started taking the full dose of Zoloft again until I see a psychiatrist next week.

I do feel different. I still feel like bugs are crawling on my skin sometimes and I still think about hurting myself, but it doesn’t seem as overwhelming.

I miss Grace so much. It’s getting harder and harder to live without her. Sometimes I sit in her room and imagine what it would be like to hold her. What she would look like now, if she would be crawling….I would give anything for us to be sleep deprived and exhausted! We sleep too much, we are both depressed and it shows.

And now I wonder if I will ever be healthy enough to get pregnant again.

Only time will tell.

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2 thoughts on “another episode

  1. Oh, it’s just so hard, missing them, wondering, dreaming, imagining.

    You say ” I think I have this subconscious thought that it’s my fault Grace died; like my body failed. So I want to punish it or something?” and to me, that makes sense. I have dipped in and out of this too.

    It ISN’T your fault. You didn’t cause Grace to die. I think that unexplained stillbirth is simply something the doctors haven’t yet identified. Perhaps one day they will. Either way, it’s NOT your fault. You love Grace, and you wouldn’t hurt her.

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