I’ve been hiding (warning:DISTURBING POST)

My mental health is deteriorating. I have been isolating myself from my friends, both on the net and on the phone. (we don’t have any friends that live out here) Sure I still go online, but not like I used to. I haven’t been reaching out to my fellow loss moms or support groups. The truth is I don’t want people to know how bad it has really gotten for me.

I have been having an extremely difficult time during the last 3-4 weeks. I have become suicidal. Jim and I think it’s the Zoloft, because I didn’t start feeling this way until I began the medication. So I am slowing weaning myself off of it.( I know I can do it, because I weaned myself off of Prozac in 2011)

My anxiety and panic attacks are getting worse too, and I have been doubling up on the Ativan. It’s helping me stay calm, but the problem is I’m running out of it faster. So I put in a call to the psychiatrist I met with. (who still hadn’t referred me to a therapist) I guess she is out of town for the week GRRRR FRUSTRATING! I asked for a referral and to speak with someone about my medication issues. I got the referral, I will see someone in 2 weeks, but still haven’t had any help with my meds.

Yesterday I attempted to exercise using a Pilates video on YouTube. (I used to do Pilates, using the same video, like 10 years ago) I am out of shape and it was very painful and it really upset me. I proceeded to smash my forehead into the computer desk. I fucking flipped out. I started crying and screaming, saying I hated myself and my body. I rolled around on the floor in agony while Jim stood by, completely helpless. I wrapped a cord around my neck and tried to choke myself. Jim of course stopped me and tried his best to calm me down. I screamed in agony at the top of my lungs. Seriously, I am surprised no one called the police.

Over the next few hours I basically had a child like temper tantrum. I threw things, I punched myself in the belly, I ripped my hair out, and I cried until my eyes ached.

This is so out of character for me. I have never felt this way or acted this way. Even when I was a teen, even when I was an active alcoholic, it never got this bad.

Jim asked me if I needed to go to the hospital.

I have been there before, and I am not sure that it would be helpful.

The truth is, I don’t think anything will help me.

Not medication, or therapy, or hospitalization.

The only way out of the pain is through it, and there is 30 years of pain rising to the surface for the first time. Grace’s death was the catalyst. It’s like a flood now, and there is no way to stop it.

I guess I am just going to keep at it, go to therapy, and if I feel it’s necessary I will go to the hospital.

Jim asked me to promise not to hurt myself.

I couldn’t. I’m not going to make a promise unless I know I can keep it.

I promised to try.

That’s the best I can do for now.

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6 thoughts on “I’ve been hiding (warning:DISTURBING POST)

  1. I feel your pain through your words. I know what you’re going through, because I struggle against the dark and terrible thoughts every single day since my daughter died. I used to drink a lot, and harm myself in a myriad of different ways that landed me in the hospital more than once. I’ve been a “recovered” alcoholic and cutter for years now, and it is a CONSTANT battle not to give in to one or both addictions.

    If you need to talk to someone who has been there, please email me or message me on FB or something. I get it, and maybe knowing someone who really “gets” it will help in some way.

    Much love to you. xoxo

  2. I came upon your page by accident,, YES,, The zoloft are making you feel this way, and making you want to hurt yourself,, take it from me, I had a relative on them, it was not good,, you can private inmessage me if you want to

  3. Have you heard of the links between SSRIs and suicide? It’s pretty worrying stuff, and I don’t know where the line is between an antidepressant being helpful, and then really really not.

    It sounds like you are carrying SO much pain. It sounds overwhelming and unbearable.

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