it’s a Grace-sized hole

Our sweet, perfect Grace would’ve been five months old yesterday. We are missing her something fierce right now.

Jim sees her all the time! In his dreams, sometimes even when he’s awake. He says he can sense her presence in our home.

I only saw her the one time at my friend’s house.

I wonder why. Is something wrong with me? Why don’t I dream about my daughter? I do sense her, on occasion.

I wonder about god, and if he exists. I think organized religion is bullshit. I was raised non religious, and I have tried my best to “find” religion. At best it doesn’t fit for me and at worst it really comes off as brainwashing. Especially Catholicism. Bleh. I don’t know about “heaven” and “angels”. It’s hard for me to swallow that if god does exist he took my only child.

I do believe in reincarnation. I think the body is like a house for our souls. When we aren’t currently living in a body, we are astral traveling with other souls. Some people can astral travel in their sleep. We choose to come back to earth for different reasons and we can be human or animal.

So maybe Grace’s soul is, like, waiting. For me to get pregnant again….hmmm I think I like that idea.

Jim and I talk about the hole we feel inside of us. No child will ever fill it, even if we have ten more kids. On the good days we don’t notice it much. On the bad days, it throbs, painfully.

It’s a Grace sized hole.

Love you baby.

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2 thoughts on “it’s a Grace-sized hole

  1. bless ur heart, i completely understand. my husband has dreamed of our son, and so has a close friend of ours. i feel so left out because i havent dreamt of him not once. i wanna see him so bad, to give him a hug. sending hugs and prayers your way

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