memorial day

I know Memorial Day is about honoring the brave men and women who have fought for freedom in this country. I personally am against war and I have some “radical” political ideas. Not to say that soldiers and vets don’t deserve to be honored and respected. Today I chose to remember Grace, and I wore my pins and bracelet that I have in honor of her.

That brings me to my mother. I just realized recently that she has kind of been shitting on my daughter’s memory. You know I didn’t even want her there when I had to give birth to Grace? It would’ve been a freaking nightmare! Instead I found solace and comfort with my inlaws.

Anyway, to this day my mom has refused to look at her pictures. Even the beautifully retouched one.She told me she wasn’t sure she wanted to send me a card for Mother’s Day because she felt like it would be a “stab”. I told her actually no, you should send me one and recognize me. I eventually did get a card after Mother’s day and all it said was “thinking of you”. She allegedly lost the angel pin I gave her and asked for another. I happened to have one left, so I gave it to her. When I saw her I was showing her the lovely bracelet a fellow BLM (baby loss mom) had made for me. She interrupted me to tell me that she doesn’t like angels and they creep her out. WOW. I was telling her about my mental health issues and she said some weird things again, including “you look fine”. I replied that I am not fine, not at all.

Ugh I am just so frustrated with her behavior ! I don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation.

On the brighter side, we went over to Jim’s parents today for a bit. We had a lovely lunch and visited. I played with Thea and Wesley (niece and nephew), and got to snuggle with little Daniel. He’s just under 2 months old. So sweet.

Jim and I talked after the visit and while it was super nice to hold a baby, it was also incredibly painful. Just reinforces the “we need a baby” feeling.

We’ll get there. One step at a time.


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