21 weeks old today

Our sweet Grace would be 21 weeks old today. 5 months old on May 30th.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it will be like if and when we do have a living child.

Jim is bipolar and has a sleeping disorder. I have PTSD, depression and anxiety. My issues may be temporary but Jim’s aren’t. The fact is, there is no cure for bipolar. Jim has a hard time transitioning; it’s very difficult for him to fall asleep and to wake up. So he spends more time than the average person in bed. His sleep cycle is very complicated. It’s actually improved quite a bit since we got married. He says it used to be much, much worse, and in his teens and early twenties he would go for long periods without any sleep. He even had to be hospitalized a few times for it.

So today we had a long talk and I expressed my fears about parenting. I find myself wondering, what if he can’t help me much with the baby because of these issues?

The truth is it might be hard, but it might work out nicely. When he has to cycle his sleep around, he sleeps during the day and I sleep at night. So potentially someone would always be up with baby. He could be up at night while I sleep and I could be up during the day while he sleeps.

It’s silly for me to worry about such things. I can’t control it, besides we are so far away from even trying to conceive right now. That is just how my mind works these days though.

I still cry about Grace, I still miss her, and I always will. No one can take her place. Nothing can fill the whole I have in my heart for my daughter.

But I do feel better. I do believe the meds are working. And with all that has been going on with my family, it’s no wonder I have these mental health issues.

Actually I have been reading old journals and the way my family behaves is nothing new. They have been dumping on me for years, and literally using my love for them as a weapon against me. What’s more is my mom rewards my siblings for their cruelty, yet every little thing I do or say is held under a microscope and judged by all. It is such bullshit.

I am trying to work through these things so I can be healthy.

I am trying to lose weight so I can be healthy.

I just wanna be the healthiest I can be, not only for a future pregnancy, but for myself, Jim and Grace.

I am still a mom and I carry her in my heart.

I read somewhere that I carry her cells in my body forever too.

That’s pretty cool.

I love you Grace. So much.

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3 thoughts on “21 weeks old today

  1. This made me tear up a little… You love as a Mama- and you are a Mama. I have three lovely boys- and might have had a fourth but didn’t because of miscarriage. You’ll get there. Peace, Mama.

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