I have been fighting soul crushing waves of depression and anxiety.
Some days I literally have to force myself to get out of bed and live my life.
I just started Zoloft (anti-depressant) and Ativan (anti anxiety) last week.
Grace’s death was incredibly traumatic for me. Unfortunately I have a lot of bad shit in my past that I need to deal with as well.
I’m haunted by my teen years. So many terrible things happened to me between ages 12 and 20.
I was molested by a family friend, a man my parents trusted to babysit my sister and I.
My parents abused drugs and often neglected me. I do not know how my siblings remember this time, they were quite young. I can tell you that clean clothing and hot meals were not a priority.
We rarely saw dentists and were lucky to get medical care when it was needed.
We were always bouncing from one place to the next, and life was very unstable.
My family is dysfunctional, some of us are addicts and all of us could use some therapy in my opinion.
My biological father is so crazy and creepy that I have zero contact with him.He stalks me on the internet.
These are just a few of the issues that have risen to the surface.
I need therapy and closure so I can move on.
I cannot be a mother to a living child in this state of mind.
I suffer from hyper vigilance. I think everyone is out to get me. I have panic attacks in public and fear people. I think they want to hurt me and will try if I let them.
THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR.
I wonder if I would still experience these things had Grace lived.
I am going to get better for myself, for Jim, for my future children, and for Grace.
I just want her to be proud of her mommy.
I love you Grace, with all my heart and soul.
Just found out that my mom confessed all of this and more to Jim before we were married when they were hanging out one night while I was working!