letters to Grace

Dear Grace,                                                                                                 1/04/13

Oh my sweet baby girl, momma misses you so much! My heart hurts for you, my arms ache for you and my breasts are leaking milk for you. I am so sorry we lost you. It’s so unfair that we never got to be together. I wanted you for so long, ever since daddy and I found out we were expecting. Daddy had so many things he wanted to teach you, so many things he wanted to show you. He dreams about you every night! He says you guys play with a red ball and watch Kung Fu Panda. We would give anything for just one hour with you, I just want to hold you close so you can feel my love. I want to hear your sweet baby cry and smell your sweet baby smell. I don’t know why god chose to take you Grace. You must be very special to him! I hope you get to play with other babies and are happy up in heaven. I hope you can see Daddy and I and see how much we love you. We are hurting so bad baby. I hope you aren’t hurting too much. I want you to be happy and carefree. Don’t worry about us we will  be okay.

Someday we might have other babies and I want you to know that NO ONE can ever take your place. And when they are old enough I will tell your sibling(s) all about you.

Oh beautiful Grace, I will always be your mother and you will always be my daughter. I will never forget you either.

Love Always,

Mama

Grace(warning graphic) 009

Dear Grace, 1/08/13

We had your memorial at grandma and grandpa Neaus two days ago. The house was full of people who were there to remember you baby girl. Your aunt Laura did such a nice job framing pictures of you and making a leaflet about you. Everyone came from the cities too and I got to have my family over to our home.

I sure do miss you. I’m sad a lot. I just wish I could hold you and feel you. I saw daddy cry today. He really misses you too but he dreams of you every night.

So we are gonna try to have another baby pretty quickly. I hope that’s okay with you.

Do you visit us at night? Daddy says he can feel your presence but I can’t! Maybe I’m just not ready yet.

My hands are still really painful. I might have to get surgery.

Okay baby I love you so much and I hope you are not too sad. We miss you, love you, and think of you every day.

Love Always,
Mommy

Baby Grace, 1/11/13

Today daddy flipped out and shook his hand in the air shouting that he’s angry about losing you. He said he loves you, he misses you and he wants you. He held me while I cried so hard, saying I was sorry I lost you, and that my body failed. He said it’s not my fault. I can’t help but think that way Grace. I wonder if I did things differently would you be alive?

Your daddy says he can feel you but I can’t and I wonder why? Maybe I am too deep in my pain. I hope to feel you or hear you someday. I cry all the time for you. I’m trying to be strong but I just miss you so bad.

You are so beautiful. You have daddy’s nose and mouth, and you have my hands. It looks like your hair was the same color as daddy’s beard too. Your dimples are so cute . We made you with our love and that’s what makes you so special.

Love,
Momma

Dear Grace, 1/13/13

Your room has felt so warm the past few days, have you been hanging out in there? I go in there a lot, I like to look at your pics,and the other things that remind me of you.

Yesterday daddy and I went on a date for the first time since we lost you. I had to carry something with me that reminded me of you. So I brought this jeweled “g” that my mom gave me, I carry it on a chain right now.

I’ve also been sleeping with your blanket, it makes me feel closer to you.

I guess I realized my life can go on without you and that makes me feel bad.

But I know that you don’t want me to be sad, I am sad a lot but I think it’s getting a little easier.

I still miss you every day and I love you so much!
Love Always,
Mommy

Dear Grace, 1/28/13

it’s been a while since I wrote you.
a few days ago marked four weeks since we had you.
that was a really hard day for me.
I cried all day. I miss you so much.
the molds of your hand and feet are dry now, I took your hand into my bedroom so I can hold it whenever I want. Sometimes daddy kisses it ❤ He loves you so much, and he tells me all the time how much he misses you and wants you. We think of you every day. I sleep with the blanket from the hospital.
Sometimes I feel okay and I don’t cry, but other days I feel very sad and I cry all day. No matter what though, I think of you everyday Grace. I wear my “g” necklace everyday.
I saw my dr and she was able to tell me some reasons why you died. I may have something wrong with my blood. I’ve been thinking a lot about what is was like for you to die, inside me, wondering if you felt any pain. I hope you just drifted off to sleep.
I wish I could go back in time and save you, and so does daddy. We just love you so much Grace.
XOXOXO,
Momma`

Dear Grace, 2/16/13

Hi baby I just wanted to tell you I got your autopsy results this week. You died from a placental abruption with no known cause. Your dad thinks you may have punched it so hard it detached from the uterine wall. I got some answers and I feel better although the answer is pretty vague.

We are going to wait a few months before trying to get pregnant.
Your dad is trying to deal with his anger that he has felt ever since you died. He has a hard time with it. I still do too. We both miss you do much and will never understand why you were taken from us.

I contacted a medium that works with parents who have lost children. I’m hoping to make contact with you baby. Grace I just love you so much and I want to hear from you. please contact these people, give them a message for me if you can.

It’s been nearly two months since we had you and I wish you were here. I think about you every single day and night.

I wish I could hold you my sweet angel.
Big hugs and kisses
Love,
Mom

Dear Grace, 3/15/13
Hey my sweet baby girl how are you doing? Mommy is doing pretty good these days. been feeling happier and spending lots of time with daddy. We are thinking of trying for a rainbow soon. I am sure you are okay with that. I know you want us to be happy, not super sad feeling like our lives are over forever. I know women who feel like that Grace and I feel guilty for having a good support system and feeling better about you. I mean my life isn’t perfect but it sure seems better than some people.
I’ve just been keeping busy doing stuff around the house. I think I felt you touch my leg the other night. Was that you Grace?
I think of you every day. I think maybe your hair would’ve been blond. I love you so much baby. I always will, even after I die.

XOXOX
Momma

Dear Grace, 3/28/13
Hey my sweet beautiful angel ❤
Mama cannot deal right now. I had a panic attack at my friend’s house. So I am gonna get my head right before we can give you any siblings.
I love you so much! You would be about 3 months old now. I think about you all the time. I am so sorry I didn’t push the doctors more. I did not know what to expect but I knew something was wrong.
I love you,
I miss you.
Love always,
Mama

Dear Grace, 5/19/2013
Hey beautiful girl! Daddy and I love you so much and talk about you every single day.
Sorry I haven’t written in a while, I had surgery on both of my hands and have been healing.

Well I saw a dr. for my mental health and started taking some meds. Our goal is to spend the summer getting healthy mentally and physically. In August Auntie Laura and I (maybe daddy too) are gonna get tattoos in your memory. So daddy and I plan to try for a sibling in September. What do you think about that?

Guess what? Your uncle Tim is engaged to a girl named Sarah, just like me! Grandma and Grandpa Neau will have 2 daughters in law with the same name.

Aunt Lisa and Uncle Ash had their third baby in April, his name is Daniel. We went to see them at the hospital and of course thought of you the whole time. He joins your cousins Thea and Wesley.

This is a very hard time for me, I don’t really understand how I am supposed to live without you. I am trying though.

Sometimes I cry and scream in absolute agony for you. Daddy just holds me and loves me. He is amazing Grace. He is the only reason I am still in one piece, and I know I keep him going too. Your death has honestly brought us closer together. You taught us that life is short and tomorrow isn’t promised. We are creating our own family. Each person must treat us with kindness, respect and honesty or they gotta go.

I hope you are proud of me baby, because I am so proud to be your mother.

Til Next Time ❤

Always and forever,

Mom

11/22/2013

Dear Grace,

Hello my beautiful girl! Oh how I miss you! I know it has been a long time since I wrote, but that’s because I’ve been talking to you almost every day. I know you can hear me and I feel your presence.

Today has been a tough day for me. I have been missing you something awful and I can’t stop crying. I’ve been beating myself up with regrets. I regret not holding you and bathing you and dressing you. I hope you can understand why I didn’t so those things. I was so weak and exhausted; honestly I was still in shock.

I just want you to know that I love you so much! I would give my own life to see you and to be with you.

It’s almost your birthday! We are going to have a party with cake, and we are going to write messages on balloons for you and release them into the sky!

Can you sprinkle some baby dust on us? I think we are ready to create a sibling for you…

Daddy and I love you to the moon and back, and we talk about you every day. You are always in our hearts and on our minds. Please continue to watch over us and protect us.

 

XOXOXOXO,

Mama ❤

 

 

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