how people treat me: the voices vs the silence

I have to say that since Grace died I have been repairing some of the damage I did in my drinking days, and I find myself reconnecting with friends I thought I lost for good. The problem is there are so many of my friends who have remained silent since I lost my baby. It hurts SO BAD.  It’s crazy, I feel like I just don’t even exist to them anymore. Each day that goes by is like a twist in my gut, and it makes me cry. I just need to know that I still matter to them. I need to know Grace matters. I love her and she died. I have to get up every day and live with that. I have to see her things, and look at her photos, and remember all the kicks. I get to sit and think about all the hopes, dreams and plans we had for her.

I do have an amazing support system and some of my friends have really stepped up. I just keep coming back to the fact that I need the other ones too. I have voiced my pain pretty regularly and I have started removing people I do not want in my life. I am now measuring my friendships based on before and after. What was is it like before Grace died and what it’s like now. If I don’t like the way I’m treated by you now, you’re gone. I’m done. I am a mom now and my child means everything to me. I need to talk about her, I need people to ask about her, I need them to love her just like they love me. Pure and simple.

One friend in particular comes to mind. He is like a brother to me. I thought I lost him forever by alienating his girlfriend. After three years and some persistence she forgave me. These people haven’t spoken to me in 3 years but you can bet my friend cried for Grace. Even though there was a huge rift in our friendship. He still loves my daughter. He is not the type of guy to talk about his feelings yet I know he cares.

This past week I have been reconnecting with people I thought I lost forever with my bad behavior in my drinking days. All of them have reached out regarding Grace.

I guess what I am trying to say is, if old friends come out of the wood work you should too! Please. If you love me or just care about me, tell me so. That is all I ask.

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