Every Sunday

Grace was born on Sunday. Today is the 12th Sunday since she came into this world, already dead. During those first dark days without her, I spent more time than I care to admit crying, in front of the computer in a pain killer haze. You might ask what was I searching for? I was searching for other babies, other moms, other dads like us. I needed answers! Why did my baby die? Where was she now? Was she in heaven, or was she here in our home, or both? Was I going to die now that my baby died? What could I learn about pregnancy loss?

I started to feel like my grief wasn’t going to kill me. But every Sunday I would freak the fuck out, cry and just feel like I was drowning in my pain. After a few weeks I realized duh, it’s Sunday. Sunday is forever changed for me.

A few Sundays ago Return To Zero and The STILL Project started doing google hangouts. Jim and I stopped what we were doing so we could watch. Basically it’s a bunch of people getting together and talking about stillbirth. Looks like they will be doing it on a regular basis and you can hang out and ask questions and stuff. It’s very cool.

I have come to realize that Sunday is Grace’s day. So where ever I am, whatever I am doing, I will always devote Sundays to Grace.

Today Still Standing is doing a Twitter party. I’m gonna make a homemade pizza for supper and let her candle burn. (I light a candle in her room every day when the sun goes down) I’m gonna think about her and cry. Jim will hold me and comfort me and whisper about how much she loves us. He can always feel her presence in our home.

Next weekend she would have been 3 months.

Today, I am okay with that. Momma loves you so much baby girl. Happy Sunday.

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