birth story #1 posted to thebump.com 2 days after coming home without her

hello. My name is Sara and I lost my daughter Grace Elizabeth at 41 weeks. My husband and I went to the triage 3x between Dec 21-26, I thought I was in labor, I had pain, etc. I was sent home each time after being monitored and told that I was indeed in early labor but it was too soon to be admitted. It’s crazy too because she was breech for so long(at least 10 weeks) we actually had a c-section scheduled for Dec 18th but she flipped on her own. Anyhow I was due Dec 22nd and supposed to induce on Jan 2. So on the 28th I started bleeding, and they said to expect some bleeding, and not to come in unless I soaked more than 1 pad per hour. At this point I had not slept in 2 days because the contractions were so painful, and every time I had one I also peed and had diarrhea. Every contraction. I took an ambien and was able to sleep off and on for about 7 hours. When I got up the bleeding was still happening and I realized I hadn’t felt her move in like a day, so we got our bags and went back to triage. They immediately did 2 ultrasounds and couldn’t find her heartbeat Crying I was in a lot of pain and planning for an epi anyway, they gave me a shot of morphine and admitted me to a birthing room. We started an epidural and an IV with pitocin. It sucked so bad because I had an empty stomach and they wouldn’t let me eat much. About 24 long hours later I was finally dilated enough to start pushing. I was pretty numb from the epi so it started out okay, but it wore off at the worst time and I went from 0 to 25 on the pain scale. I got more meds and kept pushing but it seemed like we weren’t getting anywhere. After like 3 hours the doctor said hey you are getting worn out, there are a few options we have to help you along. We can use forceps while you push, but you could tear and it could also tear the baby’s skin. Or we could c-section and keep the baby intact, but you are at greater risk for infection because the baby is deceased. MH said we are absolutely not doing a c unless you have no other choice, I lost my daughter I can’t lose my wife as well. So we did the forceps thing, MY GOD talk about pain! I was crying and swearing and begging them to kill me, as they were pumping me full of meds. It was the most traumatic experience of my life!! I thought I was gonna die from the pain! I still wasn’t crowning so they said okay, we are gonna put you under, and try our best to get her out vaginally, but we may have to cut you open. My poor husband sat in the room with my blood everywhere for 2 hours, not knowing if I was dead or alive. Finally they came and said I was okay, I had a 3rd degree episiotomy, they had to cut all the way into my muscle. They asked him if he wanted to see the baby and he did. He got to hold her and she was still warm from my womb, but her face was like skinned in some places from the forceps. They also had to break her arm to get her out, her shoulders got stuck and she was big too, 9 lbs 6 oz and apparently I have a small pelvis. As they wheeled me in, still unconscious, he had them take her  away because he didn’t think I could handle seeing her. When I awoke they asked me if I wanted to, but I said no because I was afraid of what she looked like. I ate some food and tried to sleep. I must’ve drank a gallon of water that night.

The next morning after we ate breakfast I decided I did want to see her. I knew if I didn’t I would regret it for the rest of my life. MH says she looked so much different from the night before, she was now bloated and like distorted, but her wounds looked better cause they were scabbed up. She had a ton of wounds on her face, and one of her eyes was pretty bruised. They were slightly open but I couldn’t tell the color. And she was SO cold. It was so disturbing, but I am so glad I did it. Oh my angel was so beautiful!!! She looked alot like Jim, she had his nose and mouth. I held her hand and I told her I loved her and that I was sorry we lost her. My mil, fil, and sil came and spent time with her too. I couldn’t hold her; I just had her next to me and held her hand. I didn’t want to drop her or feel her broken arm. Everyone left to eat and I decided I had to say goodbye, if I didn’t do it then I was never gonna do it. I kissed her goodbye and told her I loved her.

I got to get out of bed, walk around and have a bath too. Then they moved us to a different floor, which sucked cause it was way different, and I didn’t like the nurses there. They completely neglected us once we were moved. No one told me about wound care or anything. We got released the next day, New Years Day, and it was great to go home.

So today we are picking up her ashes from the cremation place, and the pics the hospital had taken for us. On Sunday we are having a memorial at my in laws. I’m also waiting for the autopsy results. I am hoping for some answers as to why I had a pretty much perfect pregnancy just to lose my daughter days from having her. They are thinking the placenta detached, in which case there is nothing I or they could’ve done. They said 50% of the time there is no explanation as to why this happens.

Yesterday was a good day for me overall, I basically take things one day at a time. I woke up crying and have been feeling pretty sad today. Next week we are going to a support group. I am hoping someday it will hurt less. I know that I will never “get over” losing my child. Even if we had 10 more kids, they will never be her.

Well if you read this far, thank you. I am hoping that by writing this and reaching out it can help me heal.

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